I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
