Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
