I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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