I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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