dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
