someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
