I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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