either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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