Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
