you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
