How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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