u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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