Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
