I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
