I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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