I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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