There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
