So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
