when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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