I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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