You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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