I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
