I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
