I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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