Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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