Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
