Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She bit a glass in half.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
