Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
