I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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