I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
