Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
