allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
do nipples grow back?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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