I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
