I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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