dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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