i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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