i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
