oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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