My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Someone came in the potted fern
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
