when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
