just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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