its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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