Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hell yes lets make some ravioli
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
