I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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