That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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