Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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