The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
