I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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