I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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