Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
