so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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